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While everyone goes apeshit over Bible-thumping redneck Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal has been busy creating one of the most amazing beverages to ever grace the face of this Earth: Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Evergy Drink.

After seeing these for sale at the local Wal-Mart (of course), my brother and I couldn’t resist ourselves. We got the blue “Asian Experience” kind, because let’s face it, cherry drinks usually end up tasting like fucking cough syrup (also, I don’t think they even had the cherry ones at the time). The drink boasts that it contains “Tibetan Goji berries” and “Asian Cirdyceps,” which no other energy drink has. This is surely some good stuff, I thought, since everyone knows Tibetan monks can levitate and throw hadoukens and shit (why do you think those Chinese commie bastards are so afraid and hateful of them!).

The drink itself tastes like weak grape juice mixed with figs, and possibly sweat. I hoped it was Steven Seagal’s sweat, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. It wasn’t as carbonated as I expected it to be, either, which I was happy about because too many energy drinks are over carbonated to the point where you feel like you’re just swallowing caffeinated air in a can.

Unfortunately, after drinking Steven Seagal’s wondrous LIGHTNING BOLT drink, I wasn’t levitating or shooting energy beams out of any orifice. As a matter of fact, I felt nothing. I would’ve even welcomed potentially negative effects, like feeling as if Steven Seagal was repeatedly dropkicking me. But no, nothing happened.

Well, what can you expect from a drink with Steven Seagal branding being sold at a discount price of $1 at a Wal-Mart?

Verdict: Not worth buying, even for $1. However, Seagal could still beat the shit out of Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme if they ever tried to tag-team him.